Parenting Without Punishment

More Effective and Humane Ways to Teach Kids Good Behavior

Kelly, 19 months, playfully wanders around the restaurant waiting area. "Kelly, you better come here RIGHT NOW!" Like a typical toddler, she keeps exploring. "Do I have to get my belt?" her mother threatens. This gets Kelly’s attention, but only for a moment, and she keeps going. "Okay, here’s my belt!" And Mom brandishes her leather belt. What is she going to do, whip her child for exploring? What is Mom trying to accomplish? What will she teach Kelly with this kind of discipline?

All Mom wants is for Kelly to stop wandering and listen to her commands. To accomplish these, she has chosen punishment—giving a painful consequence to discourage an unwanted behavior. Most likely, Mom’s parents used it on her as a child, she remembers it having a strong impact, and she has not learned any other tools that work better. She prefers punishment because it has produced immediate results with her daughter when used in the past. Those perceived successes have made her a punishment addict. Her family and friends support this form of discipline, telling her she is doing the right thing.

In this example, Kelly does not respond to her mother’s initial threat of punishment because she has learned that Mom gives a warning before hitting. She will soon learn that Mom does not hit her in public, so she can continue to test limits and ignore threats. This illustrates the first problem with punishment: kids learn how to avoid it rather than learning new, more appropriate behaviors. In addition, research shows that after only a few trials, punishment loses its effectiveness, so Mom must keep increasing punishments to discourage the behavior. The effects of this practice can foster in a child a deep sense of fear, anger, and resentment toward parents. Furthermore, physical punishment can traumatize children, encourage aggression to solve problems, and leave children with low self-esteem and a chronic sense of being "bad". No one wants these outcomes, so what are a parent’s alternatives to punishment?

Mom can start by developing realistic expectations for Kelly and anticipate her exploring in a new and exciting environment. Kelly is not being defiant or disrespectful; she’s just being a toddler. Thinking this way automatically reduces Mom’s anger level and prevents her from getting in power struggles over respect and following orders.

If Mom is concerned about the wandering, she can either follow close behind Kelly to prevent mishaps or entice her to remain close, using a game, toy, or book to keep her attention. It may also be possible to block her into an enclosed area of the restaurant, keeping her safe. These are examples of environment control, one of the most effective tools to contain toddler behavior. Imagine childproofing, but on the road. A parent cannot control a child’s will, but can do much to control a child’s environment, even away from home.

In addition, Mom can calmly but firmly command Kelly to return, and if she complies, reward her generously. Rewarding is much more effective over time in teaching a child to listen to instructions. It requires patience, however, because Mom must wait until Kelly does the right thing before she can reward her. That’s okay. Once she understands the concept, Mom rewards Kelly EVERY TIME SHE DOES SOMETHING RIGHT. The rewards are simple. She says, "Good girl! Good job! You’re so smart! Ooh, that’s why I love you so much, " and claps, and smiles, and laughs, and hugs, and kisses her.

How does this impact Kelly? First, she repeats the appropriate behaviors and starts making them a habit, because they have a positive payoff for her. She also starts looking for her mother’s praise and approval, and if she doesn’t get it, she tries new behaviors until she receives the praise (which will happen when she does the right things). Kelly soon develops high self-esteem and a sense of competence, a critical developmental milestone for toddlers. Every parent wants these outcomes.

What if Kelly doesn’t get it right and cannot earn a reward? Eventually, she will. One time or another, her mother will call her as she wanders away, and she will stop. Mom can reward her right there and then, and Kelly will learn. Until that happens, all Mom has to do is keep her out of harm’s way and prevent her from bothering others too much. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If Kelly gets too out of control, Mom can always place a take-out order, take the girl back to the car, retrieve the food when it’s ready, and go home. This is not a battle worth fighting.